Greeting humans of reddit. I have an announcement.
A decision was made by the supreme high absolute Leader of the Barefoot Illuminati that we go public on this day so here goes.
We are the Barefoot Illuminati and we in fact exist. Need proof? We will get to that. Just you sit your butt down and smell what I am cooking.
Our agenda is to promote the better ideas of the 50s 60s 70s and 80s. Groups that kinda sorta thought like us were the Beats, the Hippies, Punk Rockers and Pat Boone.
We promote such things as cartoons, solar power, snacks, relaxation, "alternative" hygiene concepts, bad fashion choices, and any harmless general fuckery that seems to piss off so many folks, like peace, love and freedom.
We tend to frown on things like genocide, murder, mixing religion and politics, super-foods, power lunches, dress codes, social caste systems, violence (unless it is dueling...with non-lethal weapons like bear mace and/or cattle prod fencing), bull cock or dog fighting (unless using biplanes or spaceships) generally anything that bums us out.
Our members include celebrities, politicians, religious leaders, lawn maintenance people, tech support agents, corporate executives, school lunch workers, sex workers, and even....HIM. We are everywhere, get over it.
You need proof? HA!!! Okay, Marajauana legalization creeping across the country....You are welcome humanity. Sponge Bob Squarepants, look how many times feet are shown or mentioned...even though few sea animals and no sponges have feet!!!!! In fact look at all children's programing. Feet everywhere. One minute little Petunia is just watching the Wiggles next thing you know "Mom, why don't we just get electricity from the Sun instead of burning all that stinky oil?"
LOOKS LIKE LITTLE PETUNIA IS GROUNDED TILL SHE GOES INTO MENOPAUSE!!!
Hahahahaha!!!
We are everywhere! There is no escape!
We are coming for you! One minute you think you are fine, next: BAMMM!! The smell of B.O. and patchouli as you realize both an advanced dungeons and dragons campaign and a drum circle have broke out in YOUR front yard. Then you scream in terror as you realize that your wife is the DM. Scary huh? You go to get your dog to sick him on them then you see the feet on his color or the foot chew toy and realize that you have been betrayed. What next? Your goldfish? The flowers in your yard? YOUR PET ROCK? You call the cops, the dispatcher answers. "Hello I would like to report a a ....." The dispatcher interrupts you: "Hey man, you sound really stressed perhaps you need a FOOT rub." OH MY GOD NOT THE POLICE TOO!!!! We are everywhere, there is nothing you can do.
Perhaps at this point you might ask "How can I join?" Well lil pal we have very strict requirements for membership:
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Potential members must be living, perceived to be living or have been one of the two at one point.
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Once in, you must at least be able to tell yourself "I am in the Barefoot Illuminati. This can be difficult for our members who are houseplants and such.
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You have to work for our agenda or at least try to. This one is actually the easiest as the Barefoot Illuminati isn't too concerned about failure. We are the Whiley Coyote of conspiracies.
When you suspect someone of being another member of the Barefoot Illuminati simply say "Good luck on your footwork!" If they are not a member, they will be, because that is how new members are initiated. You can leave at any time but whenever you get told the initiating sentence again you will have to quit all over again. It even works when you say it in the mirror or to your reflection in a puddle of water or any other substance.
Okay now for the best part:
"GOOD LUCK ON YOUR FOOTWORK"
Now go and do whatever it is
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Submitted May 05, 2017 at 10:24PM by Eshmail http://ift.tt/2qBRnAZ
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