So I was just cruising around in my star-to-star bubble slider (what you would call an Alcubierre-drive craft), doing the ol' Betelguese to Proxima Centauri run when I got a linguistic compatibility notification on my headphone and I figured I'd come down and check out what you guys are up to down here. So I logged onto your internet, ran your Google through my єคยгкקร'๔ค and I got myself a convenient little pseudo humanoid puppet thing to sit at a computer and regurgitate to you through it's fingers the thoughts coming from my mind grapes.
Anyway, so far, I'm digging all the water and vegetation. It really spruces up the place, if you catch my drift. ;)
Secondly, I hate to break this to you but you'll find out sooner or later. Eating other living things is pretty heavily frowned upon in all of the cool parts worth visiting. I'm not talking just animals, either. Your vegetarians are about halfway there, but the thing is, you shouldn't be eating plants either. They suffer too. Most of us have been able to derive nutrition from our environments for our entire existences. On the planet from which my people first emerged, all life is capable of photosynthesis. There were those creatures that would eat each other, but they were recycled back into the matter reclamation baths. For other species who are not capable of starlight digestion, there are perfect synthetic foods, stitched together at the chemical level from base elements. Granted, this is a point of much contention from peoples whose biology is based on what you would call stone, but fortunately for the rest of us, the pace of their every action is so slow that the initial complaint was filed roughly 5,000 of your years ago, and we still haven't gotten through the opening statements. You can wake up one morning and get way ahead of them.
The humanoid puppet guy is telling me that you guys have lots of requests that you want to make from me, as a representative of this galactic... I guess we'll call it a septant (it's like a quadrant, but based on a hexagonal setup, not cartesian quadrants). Alright, let's play the hits!
Q. Is there a god?
That's a lot like asking "do I live under a feudal lord?" And the answer is, yeah kinda. But it's more like you're living under a diverse clan of mafia bosses that are also sometimes just negligent landlords. One thing is for sure. They are NOT benevolent. But I probably shouldn't be telling you that because you're, like, really, woefully inept in comparison so it's not like you can do anything about it.
Q. Can you help us achieve world peace?
LOL yeah sure, but first you're all gonna need to stop eating everything you eat now, and also dissolve your governments while still keeping up with your religions so as to not piss off the Contractual-Agreement of the 12 Vectors (I am sorry, that name just does not translate well AT ALL). Basically, if everybody did as I said, yeah, we could establish a system that removes the need to fight, but you all seem to love it so much, and we have nothing to gain by trying to change you. So, sorry kids. Not happening.
Q. Can you help us eliminate disease?
Sure. Let's give you our level of medical technology so you all can live extra long while killing and eating one another. Prolong the suffering. That sounds like a constructive use of my time. When's the last time you decided to go invest a bunch of your own time and money into renovating a crack house, for its current crack-dealing inhabitants?
Q. Why not make your presence known to the whole world?
Like I said, you're owned by those slumlord gods of yours. I announce myself to everybody, and suddenly I have Krishna and Jesus up my ass when really all I wanted to do was get a sip of that tangy sol juice while entertaining myself with the local wildlife and their fun text-based bullshitting arenas.
Q. Why should I believe you.
Nobody said you should. The better question is, will you? And from there, it follows, 'why?'
Q. Are humans actually ape-alien hybrids?
LOL no. You're domesticated apes. You're like ape dogs. Now, if there's a question about who turned the apes into ape dogs, then that might be a line of inquiry worth exploring. ;)
Q. Didn't aliens build the pyramids?
Nope. Ape dogs. You guys. You're capable of amusing feats. Loves me some ape dog architecture tho.
Q. Aren't aliens inter-dimensional travelers from other planes of existence.
That's another whole different thing but it's also like weather in a way that I can't really convey without first explaining a whole theoretical framework for, it's like a gyroscope soup with personalities. God this is hard to convey. Just don't worry about that stuff. You don't even need to.
Q. What about Roswell and the Grays?
I know you guys love this one, so I'm not gonna ruin anything for anybody. Enjoy it.
Q. What about the Reptilians disguised as humans who run the shadow government?
The explanation is going to sound far-fetched, but here it is. The idea that there's an all-powerful, secretive government that exercises total control, frightening as it sounds, is actually also a comforting thought because it enables the believer to believe that there is someone here who has such power and such capability that the world must be as it is for a reason, otherwise the all-powerful would do something different with it. So the reptilians, and/or the Illuminati are these bogeymen you choose to believe in because it helps your worldview become cohesive and make sense to you. The thing is, your Orange anus-mouth guy is pretty much proof that there are so very few of you ape dogs capable of steering the ship in any way that can't be completely undermined by your own "foreign" neighbors.
So... I think that about covers what I wanted to say. Any questions?
Submitted June 27, 2017 at 06:31PM by ToBePacific http://ift.tt/2sjWQsZ
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